Nine ways to annoy a KGB Agent
by Joy Booth
Summary: Illya has 99 problems and most of them were created by Gaby.
1. MI5 mischief

9 ways to annoy a KGB Agent

1\. Stare- She always made a point of looking at him until he couldn't stand it anymore and made eye contact. It was Gaby's version of a staring contest. The longest one lasted 34 minutes, and when he finally looked up, she jumped off the couch and kissed him square on the lips, before running out of the room. He smiled to himself when he knew she was gone.

2\. Sing- Gaby was not a particularly good singer, but she tended to hum to herself when she was tinkering on something. Illya was constantly asking her to be quiet when they were on a mission, but when he woke with nightmares and she hummed him back to sleep, he never said a word.

3\. Radios- The radio was a tool for the KGB, a way to send information. Music in Russia was elegant and elaborate. Whenever she was annoyed with him ignoring her, she would always turn on the radio a little too loudly. In less than a minute, he was out of his chair. Another minute and the radio was usually off. A minute after that, her shirt was off and he was far from ignoring her.

4\. Dancing- She knew he didn't dance, so every time they had a mission in a club, she would make her way to the dance floor. Finding a partner would have been easy, but she didn't want anyone to get hurt. She could feel his eyes on her as she moved. He glared when she caught his eye. He grumbled about everything from the noise to the price of drinks when she finally came to sit with him, but he always went with her, even if it wasn't strictly necessary.

5\. Drinking- Every night when they got back to the suite she would fix herself a drink. Sometimes it was a Gin and tonic, sometimes vodka on the rocks, sometimes just a glass of ice cold water. She always offered to make him something as well, but he always declined with a curt jerk of his head. She knew he didn't approve of her habit of self medicating with liquor, but what she didn't know was that he equally hated that hollow look in her eyes when the past caught up to them every now and then. If he had to choose, as he had one night when her hands were shaking so badly that she couldn't fix the drink on her own, he would choose for her to be able to sleep peacefully. Even if it was Stolli that chased away her nightmares.

6\. Clothes- As a girl raised as a boy in East Germany, Gaby didn't really care about clothes. Their functionality and stain resistance were her main concerns. When she started her life as a spy, things changed a bit. She saw the necessity of looking the part. Still, if she had her choice, she was happiest in comfortable clothes. A nice breathable cotton was her first choice when she opened a closet. If said cotton happened to Illya's undershirt that fell mid-thigh on her, well that was just the way it went. The first time he saw that she had "borrowed" his shirt, he had raised a fuss, but every time after he had merely rolled his eyes.

7\. Food- For a KGB agent food was fuel. They were trained to consume optimized nutrition, and to be able to go without food for days if a mission demanded it. For Gaby, food was a defiance. She couldn't control many things in her life, but the government couldn't take away the enjoyment she got from a piece of dark chocolate, a good beer or a strong cup of coffee. When she ate, it was for the enjoyment of it. Illya was forever pushing her to eat more vegetables, while glaring at Solo who piled her plates with desserts just to watch her face as she ate them.

8\. Clutter- The longer they spent together, the more she learned about him. She didn't always do things just to annoy him, but some times she couldn't resist. Annoying him was a way to provoke a reaction without having to pay for a room full of furniture. So when she figured out that he was a bit obsessive about everything being in it's place, she tried to keep her space clean as well, except when she didn't. Like when he said something unnecessarily slighting in front of a mark. She said nothing at the time, but when they got back to the hotel room, she left the lid off the decanter of gin, left her wet towel on the bathroom floor, and her socks balled up by the couch. Then she counted the number of times he glared at said items, before finally cleaning them up. When he turned to say something, she raised a challenging eyebrow.

"I apologize for my rudeness earlier," he said in a measured tone.

"I accept your apology," she replied, with a grin. Who said you couldn't teach an old bear new tricks.

9\. Talking (or Not)- KGB Agents are trained not to talk. Many are given a special device to ensure they don't talk. So it came as a surprise to Gaby that her silence bothered Illya more than her chatter. Surely, at first, the opposite had been true, but the longer they spent together, the more he came to rely on her tendency to say whatever popped into her head. Her silence and stiff expressionless face was a sure bet that something was wrong. Very wrong. On the third day in a row she had been almost completely silent he cracked.

"Did I do something, Mllaya Moyna?" He asked nervously.

She looked up at him, clearly confused.

"You are not talking," he explained

When her face dropped to the emotionless mask again, he knew something was truly wrong.

"Gabriella?"

She heaved a sigh. "I didn't mean to worry you, schatz. Yesterday was my Oma's birthday, and I have just been thinking of her lately."

"Will you tell me about her?" Illya asked, knowing that Gaby's grandmother had been one of the few people Gaby could have counted on before her death. She slowly began to tell him about her beloved Oma. When she was done, he shared some memories of his own Babushka. For a man who didn't like to talk about his past, he had to admit that it didn't annoy him one bit, when the one listening was a little german chop shop girl.


	2. The KGB strikes back

1\. Ignore- He was an observant man. His senses were attuned to the slightest sound, smell, touch or taste. He always knew when she was trying to get his attention. In the beginning, he ignored her because he found her behavior annoying. Then it became a game. How long could he ignore her before she lost her cool? He had to fight to keep his lips from twitching into a smile. One time he made it a full 34 minutes before he finally looked at her. To his shock she closed the distance and kissed him square on the lips. Shock melted into attraction and amusement, even as he fought to keep from smiling until she left the room.

2\. Head phones- At first he used head phones, because he knew that she didn't like classical music, but then he caught her straining to hear what he was listening to. He started using them on purpose. He liked annoying her every now and then. Sometimes he wasn't even listening to anything, but he would put the headphones on and close his eyes. He liked to listen to her when she thought he was distracted. He got quite a bit of interesting intel that way.

3\. Cleaning- Gaby was a pretty tidy person by nature, but she had a habit of organizing things in a way that Illya just couldn't understand. He would go looking in her toolbox for an extra fuse, and end up having to take the box to her after 15 minutes of searching fruitlessly. When he tried to reorganize it for her in a way that actually made sense, you would have thought he had sold it for scrap with all the fuss she gave up.

4\. The blender- If there was one thing Illya loved about mornings, it was starting his day with a good work out. It made him feel ready from whatever might come his way. The addition of a protein shake made in one of those fancy american blenders was the icing on the cake. The first morning Gaby came stumbling out of the bedroom clutching her head after too many boilermakers, he had to hide a smirk. Turned out that for a girl who liked to drink, the sound of a blender running was not a welcome wake-up call. From then on Illya was careful to make sure the door was closed before mixing his morning meal. Well except from the morning after she nearly botched a mission because of too much champagne. That morning it completely slipped his mind.

5\. Hockey- Russians and Hockey go together like Russians and snow, or Russians and vodka, or Russians and long, tortured, tragic love stories. Illyaa was no exception. His love for his mother country made his commitment to the Russian national team nearly fanatically. Everytime they were anywhere near where the Russian team was playing, Illya would drag both Solo and Gaby to the game. At first he tried to explain the game to her, but when it was clear that she would never develop an appreciation for anything beyond the fights, he still dragged her along. Maybe it was to make up for all the nights he spent in sweaty clubs or maybe just because she tended to tuck herself close to him to ward off the chill that came from sitting in an ice arena for 3 hours. Either way, they never missed a game.

6\. Clothes- He knew she hated it when he laid out clothes for her. Everytime she would glare at him and making a snarky remark about having dressed herself for nearly 30 years. Still, he enjoyed imagining the way she might look in different outfits. Shopping was a release for him. It was a way to show affection without getting hurt. When he was stressed, she would often find things in her closet she didn't remember buying. The night she was sent to distract the ambassador of Spain, she was honestly relieved to find the perfect dress waiting for her after the briefing. If she showed her affection by sneaking into his bed in the middle of the night, he didn't mind one bit.

7\. Correcting- Few people were as well read as Illya. He had an excellent memory, and had spent most of his childhood reading from his father's vast library. He kept up on all the major global events and could read and speak seven different languages fluently. He knew it annoyed Gaby when he corrected her, especially in front of other people, but he wanted her to have the correct information. After all, information was their livelihood. Misinformation could get someone killed. One slip of the tongue could blow a well crafted cover. So even though it annoyed her to no end, she appreciated every time he corrected her on the pronunciation of the arabic word for water or the date the Magna Carta was signed.

8\. Reading- Gaby was a night owl. Her mother said it was because she was born at midnight, and that's when she thought the party should have started. She hated how every night like clock work, Illya would head to bed at precisely 10pm. He would stop whatever he was doing, brush his teeth, and lay down under the covers with a good book. Every night like clockwork, at precisely 10:05 the book would drop from his hands as her drifted to sleep. She hated that it was that easy from him to find rest.

"Why do you even do that when you know you are going to fall asleep before you turn the page?" she asked one night.

"It is ritual, like you and your drink. Creating ritual forms pathway which tells brain to sleep. When life is full of variables, rituals are very important," he explained, before turning his eyes to the page. Two and a half minute later, she plucked the book from his hands before he could drop it and settled in beside him to start creating her own ritual.

9\. Protecting- There were many ways that he protected her. Most she never even knew about. like when his bosses asked if there were any agents worth trying to poach. The night he came back to the hotel with a dislocated shoulder, split lip and eye swollen shut, after a routine scouting mission, she lost it.

"What were you thinking?" she demanded, even as she led him to the bathroom and started to wipe blood from his face.

"Most is not mine," he said instead of answering.

"I thought you said you would be safe? What happened to 'zero chance of getting caught'?"

"Difficulties could not have been foreseen," he mumbled.

"I swear to God, Illya Kuryakin. If you ever leave me out of a mission where I could be of head again, I will skin you myself!"

She continued to rant as she patched him up, completely unable to see his grin through his split lips. He knew he would aways put protect her first, but it was nice to know she had his back, even when she was annoyed with him.


	3. CIA

CIA (Crafted for Infinite Annoyance)

1) Sneaking – Sure they were all trained agents (more or less) but Solo's experience as a thief made him excellent at sneaking up on people. He had always used his skills for his own amusement. He loved to walk into a conversation at the exact worst moment. Watching Illya and Gaby jump apart always gave him a chuckle, even if he was totally team Gallya.

2) Innuendo - When he was paired with the KGB's most serious agent, he knew he would have to tease the man incessantly. It was the only way to make this whole thing even remotely tolerable. The fact that said Russian was clearly enamored with their German comrade, just made teasing that much easier. A well placed, 'all turned on' or 'is it hot in here?' had them both blushing.

3) Messes – Once it became clear that Illya and Gaby would share a room on most cases, their room became base camp. Solo's was usually smaller and might get company at anytime. While Solo was a generally neat person, he loved to move things in their room and watch Gaby bustle around straightening or Illya twitch when he noticed the clock was a few minutes fast, someone had adjusted the thermostat, or unscrewed a light bulb slightly causing it to flicker every few minutes.

4) Bars- While Illya rarely drank, and Gaby tended to have her drinks once she was back at home base. Solo loved bars. Well, bars, pubs, night clubs, really anywhere you could get a drink and talk to a pretty girl. He was a social person and he loved to meet new people, especially women. Once he became part of a team, he really cut loose. He trusted that either Illya or Gaby would show up to peel him off a barstool on the rare night that he didn't find a beautiful woman to do the job. Illya would always grumble, but he always came when it was his turn. When it was Gaby's turn she would roll her eyes, give him an affectionate smile and take him out for late night cheeseburgers before heading home.

5) Desserts – Napoleon Solo had many talents. Gaby's favorite was his skill in the kitchen. Ironically, it was Illya's least favorite. On training days, or when they stayed in a safe house, he would spend hours crafting the perfectly balanced dessert for their fairest partner. He knew her love affair with chocolate well, but he also knew about her soft spot for cherries, almonds and poppy seeds. If he combined them just right, she would practically moan as she ate his offerings. That was amusing enough, but when you added the way Illya shifting uncomfortably in his chair, it was all Napoleon could do not to grin with glee.

6) Improvisation – No one they had ever met was as lucky as Napoleon Solo. He needed an invite to a party, a person with an invite walked by and quick lift had an invite in his hand. If you got caught lifting something, he could charm his way out of the most uncomfortable situation. It annoyed his team to no end that he continually went into a mission with little or no plan. They knew that one day his luck would run out, but it never ceased to amaze them when he accomplished something impossible on luck alone. Then again, the day his luck ran out… they were right there with a machine gun and a get away car when he needed one.

7) Secrets - Secrets are a spies life. Rule number one in spy school is always lie. Never let people know the real you. If they know your secrets they can hurt you. Napoleon was good at secrets. His mind was a steel trap. He had so many aliases, that not even the CIA knew the truth. He rarely spent enough time with anyone for his lies to catch up to him. He worked alone, until he didn't. The first time Illya caught him in a lie it was nothing, but the more time they spent together, the more lies they pointed out. Finally, Solo realized that in all the aliases, he had lost himself. That day he told him about Caleb Brown. A poor son of a farmer and a teacher with six younger siblings and a lisp. The first rule of being on a team, was you tell the truth.

8) Flirting – Flirting is a skill. It is essentially cold reading someone and pin pointing what they most want to hear. Or at least that was how Napoleon saw it. Well aimed flirting had saved him on more occasions than he could count. He honed his skills every chance he got. Flirting with Gaby made her giggle, roll her eyes or growl depending on her mood. It also had the added bonus of annoying Illya to the point where he would actually look up from his chess board. Flirting with Illya was the easiest way to make the man leave the room as quickly as possible. Solo used this knowledge to his advantage whenever he had something delicate to discuss with Gaby.

"Why do you do that when you know it bothers him?" she asked the first time she noticed the Russian's response.

"It's fun to make that man squirm," Solo shrugged, before becoming serious. "Today though, I had something I wanted to talk to you about, and I didn't think you would want him around for this discussion."

"What wouldn't I want Illya to know?" she asked nervously.

Not one to mince words, Solo said, "that you're pregnant."

"How did you know?" she asked, paling noticeable.

"Let's just say as the oldest of seven children in my family, I know the signs."

"What am I going to do?" she asked miserably. "What if he doesn't want a baby?"

"I don't think that will be a problem, and as for everything else, we will figure it out together."

"What is needing to be figured out?" Illya asked as he walked back in with an evening newspaper.

Gaby looked at Napoleon, who gave her an encouraging nod. "I'm pregna…"

Before she could even finish the words, she was wrapped in the arms of her Russian, and the American left the couple to see who was in the hotel bar.

9) Being Perfect – From his effortless style to his endless charisma, many thought Napoleon Solo was perfect. While his team had plenty of evidence prove he wasn't, he was still pretty amazing. He made sure that Gaby went to the doctor. He knew all the tricks to help with her morning sickness, or how to work the aches from her back. It annoyed Illya to no end that he could not anticipant Gaby's needs the way Napoleon could, but he was thankful that Gaby was never in need of anything. The morning their son was born, Napoleon came in promptly at 7 am.

"Are you ready to go?" he asked, looking dapper as ever in a tailored Armani suit.

"For what?" Illya replied, before being interrupted by a groan from the bedroom.

"Illya, I think it's time," Gaby grumbled, opening the door to find both men waiting for her.

"Napoleon," she frowned, unimpressed. "I assume you knew about this?"

"Your bag is packed and there is a cab waiting downstairs," he grinned.

Six hours later Illya invited Napoleon to come and meet their son.

"Got a name?" he asked.

"We've decided on Caleb," Gaby said, her face glowing yet exhausted.

Solo blinked back tears, he couldn't believe how soft them had made him. As Illya placed the baby in his arms, he finally felt like himself for the first time in years, and he was not in the least bit annoyed.

 **A/N: Shout out to Ema Marsel for the idea for this chapter. I hope you enjoy it!**


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